As the year comes to a close, I feel compelled to write something. My head is full of thoughts, but I can't seem to put them in words. No surprise - this happens to me all the time lately.
It's been an interesting year, that's for sure. Never a dull moment, even when I desperately wanted one. While the scenery of my life has changed over the last year and a half, I'm still who I've always been. I still have a tendency to gain weight too easily, to talk too loudly, and to succumb too easily to inertia. I still want to feel useful, and still struggle to decide if I am. I still worry about money at odd times. I have tested all my social skills more than ever - trying to find a balance between my inner introvert and my bouts of extroversion, like I have some kind of social bipolar condition.
Because wherever you go, there you are. And here I am, still struggling with the same things I've always struggled with, still changing my mind from one day to the next about whether I'm meeting those challenges successfully.
In our early months here, I sometimes felt lonely for people who really knew me. Not necessarily anyone in particular, just people who knew I was reasonably competent at something, people with whom I had a history that allowed us to make references to past shared experiences, people who knew my kids, people who knew my shortcomings and still chose to be my friends. And people my own age. At 49, it's easy to feel old here, because I am easily 15+ years older than most of the people in my current social group. They're very tolerant of my advanced age, but still, there's no one to commiserate with about menopause. In any case, there are now people here who know me, and I like that a lot.
As 2011 draws to a close, I spent part of the day organizing - putting away the few Christmas decorations we have, straightening out my desk and rearranging things in the guest room. It's my default coping mechanism for feeling like my internal life is a little too chaotic: make order on the outside, and hope it seeps in. But as usual, making orderly piles of paper and stacking books and towels doesn't really touch the jumble of emotions that swirl in my head and my heart. I am so grateful to be here, and sometimes so frustrated by being here. I love that our kids are all grown up enough that we can be so far away and know that they are fine, and I feel guilty for being so far away from them. I think about all the things I thought I would have accomplished by now but haven't and I feel like a failure, and then I remember the things I have learned and have done and I feel some satisfaction, possibly even some pride. I sometimes think about the things we sacrifice by living here, and then I am quickly reminded of all the great joys and privileges that come with this life we chose.
So I'm feeling something, but can't easily label it. Maybe I'm feeling everything. Maybe I'll stop trying to organize my thoughts and just let them be.
Resolutions? I usually avoid them, unless they're general and vague. One year, my resolutions were to "exercise, moisturize, and economize." I felt pretty successful at those, at least for a good long while. This year, perhaps I should aim for some structure and self-discipline, however I want to implement that. I know what kinds of things make me feel better: getting enough sleep, getting some exercise, reading and writing, learning new things. I just don't do those things often enough. Why is so hard to start doing the right things? Once I get started and have some momentum, it's not that hard to keep going, but starting is the tough part. And if a new year isn't a good excuse for starting things, I don't know what is.
So, no promises, people, other than to give it a good shot. To wake up every day and take a few minutes to think about what will make my day feel worthwhile in the end.
As for this evening, we will enjoy Cambodia's last 2011 sunset from our balcony and spend the evening with friends, doing our best to avoid the mayhem of all the drunken backpackers downtown. And when I wake up in the morning, I'll think about how I'd like to spend the first day of 2012.
Wishing you all the best in the year ahead. Who knows what adventures it may bring?
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