The current state of my evolution

     I keep thinking to myself that I really should write another blog entry. It’s been a while since the last one, and my laptop keyboard has been been replaced so I can type normally again. In the first weeks here, I furiously wrote long blog posts in my head and only occasionally got around to finishing and posting them. (Maybe someday I’ll post the fragments that I left unfinished as a testament to my strange state of mind in those early days.) Now, my brain has slowed down, and the days and weeks have fallen into a somewhat more predictable rhythm, and therefore I am not thinking quite so much.

    My blog-related thoughts these days are most often just a quick pang of guilt that I haven’t written, sometimes followed by a few minutes at the keyboard during I which I write absolutely nothing because I have no idea what would be interesting for anyone to read about.

     So once again, I will just share some thoughts that drift through my head in what is now our third month in Cambodia.

     In a post from a few weeks ago, I wrote, “My fast-talking, multi-tasking, list-making, agenda-focused thought processes are brought to a grinding halt over and over again - and then there's nothing to do but recalibrate my expectations, adjust my course, roll with the punches, sit back and wait, and/or fly by the seat of my pants..” Re-reading that today, I’m still identifying with that description and I’m aware that I am now a bit further along in that process. And  “recalibrating my expectations” refers partly to day-to-day life here in Siem Reap, but certainly reflects an enormous adjustment process I’ve had within my “job.” Steve has written a little about the challenges of working at the school, and I think I have alluded to the challenges at the clinic, but I’ve purposefully not said much because it didn’t seem fair to share my frustrations with the organization in a public forum. And I still think it wouldn’t be fair, but I feel comfortable saying that in general, I find that I have some philosophical differences with the powers that be and that has been the source of greatest distress for me.

      Despite those challenges, the people at the clinic – the other volunteers and the patients – are delightful. There’s a developing sense of team (which is unfortunately about to be shattered as all three of my Western volunteers are leaving within the next 12 days) and I’ve been there long enough to begin to see some (verrrrrry sloooooow) progress on things that I hoped to accomplish. There is never a dull moment, which is part of what I always said I loved about my last job.

      And the process of understanding the organization itself and my potential place in it has made for some interesting questions I needed to ask myself. What do I think I have to offer and what do I think I need or want in return? What kind of working environment leaves me satisfied and how do I define that satisfaction? Did I think that because I’m a volunteer without a paycheck that every moment of my being here should be fun and stress-free? Do I know as much as I think I know about anything? What’s more enjoyable: the sense of accomplishment after tackling a great challenge, or the sense of accomplishment after solving a small problem?

     So now I forge ahead in a healthier mental state and with a set of re-calibrated expectations, and we’ll see where that goes. While I have differences with the organization itself, I feel committed to the clinic and the patients, so I am not entertaining thoughts of looking for another volunteer opportunity. (I certainly was thinking about that for a little while.) And I will do what I believe to be right in managing the clinic and continue to try to understand the politics involved. And if the powers that be someday decide that I’m in the wrong position, so be it. I’m half-tempted to say, “What have I got to lose?” But actually, that sense of investment I have in the clinic itself now means that I have a lot to lose, so I certainly hope things don’t take any unexpected turns in terms of my “employment.”

     (I will just note here that I purposefully didn’t mention “the organization” by name in this post. Most of you know where we volunteer, but I didn’t want anyone googling that organization to be led to this page.)

Oh, what a tangled web...
(Actually, this is the power line outside our house.)

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     So every day I get hammock time, and I’m perfecting the art of dozing so that I can wake without being groggy before going back to work in the afternoon. I read a bit (and have a nice backlog of unread books on my Nook to look forward to) and I have long periods where I just lie and stare into space thinking slowly or hardly at all. What an enormous privilege: to have so few lists and tasks and pressing thoughts that I can sit and think of nothing. This was completely impossible only a short time ago. It was part of why I used to use all my vacation time to travel rather than to stay home for a week or two: I couldn’t ever do nothing there and enjoy it, so if I was going to be busy anyway, I might as well be busy somewhere interesting doing something outside of my usual routine.

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     I have some great nostalgia for the six weeks between when I left my job at the VNA and when we left the country, as it was a delightful time of slowing down, letting go, sorting through our belongings, drinking wine on the deck every afternoon, seeing friends, and preparing for a great adventure. I remember thinking then that the slowing down process of July and August would be good preparation for the change of pace we would expect to find here. And then our first few weeks here were an absolute whirlwind of finding a place to live and setting up a household from scratch, starting our new positions, making connections with new people, and making a thousand adjustments of various kinds every day. Rather than starting a gradual process of slowing down at home and then continuing it here, we slowed down only to rev up again once we arrived, and then had to slow down again. (That herky-jerky pace is much like how I drive a motorbike so far, having only had a couple of lessons at this point.)

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     Will I or won’t I buy a motorbike? It’s a question that I think about quite a bit. I have no idea what I will decide in the end. When it’s clear that I should, then I probably will, assuming our budget will allow.

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     The money picture is getting clearer, and what is clear is that we spend too much on food. Eating out can be cheap, but there are lots of opportunities to meet friends out for dinner and then we sometimes splurge on a meal that ends up costing us $20-30 for the two or three of us. It adds up quickly, as does the cost of the familiar foods we sparingly treat ourselves to when we go to the supermarket. (This includes ice cream, milk for my coffee, butter, an occasional small piece of mediocre cheese, and nacho chips.) So we’ll eat at home more, which will be easy considering Steve is back in action in the kitchen now that he feels better, and that will save significant money. 

Grilled frog, fish, chicken, and other...things.

     The rent and utilities (electricity, water, trash collection, internet) cost about $400 per month in total, which is ridiculously cheap for the fantastic house we’re living in, so no corners to be cut there. The remaining small percentage of our expenses include bottled water and beer, laundry, and (gulp) our housekeeper. We’ve asked ourselves whether we should give up that ridiculous luxury, but continue to tell ourselves that we don’t really miss the money much and it means a lot to her, so we can’t stop what we’ve started. (Also, I revel in the knowledge that I haven’t cleaned a bathroom since we arrived.) Another occasional cost is transportation, though our need to pay for tuktuk rides has been dramatically reduced by the fact that we’re getting better at carrying big loads on our bicycles, and that there’s a tuktuk driver (Sovann) living in our house, though we try not to abuse that convenience.

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     Speaking of Sovann, he and Jaz soldier on with their complicated cross-cultural relationship. I won’t say much more about that except that when all is well, it’s a joy having both of them here, and when things are challenging, it affects us all. 


     Part of what I love about having him here is the opportunity to learn more about his life experiences and worldview. He's charming and thoughtful and funny. He holds a lot of very traditional and superstitious beliefs, some of which are part of his charm, and some of which are just fascinatingly bizarre to me. I know it must be strange for him to be living in a house unlike any he’s lived in before, full of strange things and strange food and strange music, with a bunch of foreigners who have strange habits and fascinatingly bizarre beliefs. 


     I wouldn't have predicted that learning to live with running water means that biggest challenge might be remembering to turn it off when you’re finished. 


     He eats with us a little more often now, and has even cooked for us a couple of times, but he still most often just slips away if food is being prepared and goes out to eat at the food stalls. And sometimes he still sits and watches us eat and laughs good-naturedly at how strange we are. 

Lemongrass, garlic, chilis, and duck - Sovann made a delicious lunch for us.

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     Speaking of laundry, which I mentioned back there somewhere, we've moved on to version 3.0 of our laundry plan. Because "Three Hours Laundry" still has only one washer and one dryer, but more business, and really should be named "Twenty Seven Hours (If You're Lucky) Laundry" and is all the way across town, we have begun to use a different laundry service in our own neighborhood. We have Sovann to thank for this arrangement, as he was looking for a good place to get his laundry done and negotiated a deal to have it done for $1 per kilo, washed, dried, ironed, and delivered. Pick-up and delivery isn't really necessary considering how close the place is, but the nice man who owns the laundry business seemed eager to offer the service. The challenge (and you knew there would be one, didn't you?) is that the man speaks even less English than I do Khmer. His vocabulary seems to be limited to "Hello, Madame" and "No English" both said with a big grin. With Sovann's help, we exchanged phone numbers and worked out a plan that would involve me calling the laundry man and hanging up before he answered, which would be his signal to come and pick up the dirty laundry from our house. When the laundry was finished, he would call me and hang up to announce the news, and I would call back again and hang up at a time I was home to receive delivery. It works reasonably well - though when I call him to come pick up the laundry (having left it at the bottom of our stairs for easy access) he comes all the way upstairs, uses all of his vocabulary ("Hello, Madame! No English!"), sits down on the balcony and stares at us happily for a few minutes before getting up to leave. It really seems easier for me to just drop it off on my way to work...

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One of my new favorite business names: "The Ceviliz Bunny Collection"

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     I continue to have this nagging feeling that I’m repeating things here that I’ve written previously. Did I just think about it a lot, or actually write it? If I wrote it, did I actually post it for others to read? Did I mention it on Facebook or in this blog? This blog needs a better search feature because I’m too lazy to go back and read everything I’ve already written. Apologies again for repeating myself, which I know I’ve said before!

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     We’re beginning to think about taking a long weekend to go away somewhere if we can find a cheap option. There are parts of Cambodia we want to see, but my inclination right now is to look for cheap flights to Singapore or somewhere else outside the country, just to freshen my perspective. Even Bangkok, which blew me away with its foreign-ness the first time I visited, would be far more Westernized and familiar to us than our day-to-day lives here.

     And we do crave some familiarity at times. Calls to and from friends and family are always fun, recent photos of people at home are a treat, and emails with news of the mundane details of life in the U.S. make a lovely start to the day while sipping coffee on the balcony. I’ve slowly signed off lots of email lists that had no relevance to my life here, but I continue to read Jericho’s Front Porch Forum and occasionally peruse the Free Press or Seven Days online. We were amused to find that the Phnom Penh Post English version has a weekly insert called “7 Days” which focuses a bit on the arts and music in Phnom Penh.

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     I still have not re-started the Khmer lessons I gave up on so quickly in September. I feel like I have much more mental energy for them now, but I’m also enjoying watching the process of picking up bits and pieces of language from my everyday life. I kind of suck at it really, and it’s incredibly slow, but it’s less stressful for me at this point. I hope that at some point, the time will be obviously right to put in more formal effort again, and I’ll look forward to that when it arrives. In the meantime, my very limited vocabulary includes numbers, some illness-related terms and names of body parts, some basic greetings, and the Khmer word for “cilantro.” (I have no idea why the word for cilantro has stuck when so many other more useful words have come and gone from my memory. I would gladly trade “cilantro” for the phrase “See you tomorrow.”) In the meantime, I heartily enjoy conversing in English with Khmer people who have gone to all the trouble to learn my language and I’m in awe of their skills. I am also sometimes amused by their choice of vocabulary, as they sometimes have been taught very strange things indeed. One friend insisted that he was taught that a man who cheats on his wife is called “an irregular boy.” And several people are quite certain that the U.S. has 52 states, “because of two new ones, Alaska and Hawaii!”  Clearly that was printed in some Khmer geography textbook, because it’s pretty common knowledge around here. I also enjoy listening to the young Khmer translators in the clinic practicing their pronunciation when there’s free time without any patients, repeating together, “Constipation. Con-sti-pa-tion. Constipation.” It only got more amusing when they moved on to, “Vaginal discharge. Va-gin-al dis-charge…” All those consonant blends are such a challenge…

     One of our translators told me one day, “You are famous in Cambodia.” I was most confused by this, and we eventually worked out that he meant that I smile a lot and that people here notice (and apparently comment on it.) Not quite my definition of “famous,” but I enjoyed the intended compliment.

     I haven’t stopped wondering what else local people notice and comment on about us. Maybe very little or nothing at all, but I imagine they occasionally make internal observations about who we are and why we’re here. I imagine we’re all making some pretty crazy assumptions about each other with some frequency.

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Mango-colored sunset seen from the balcony.

    It has taken me most of the afternoon to write this entry (thanks to that slowing of thought processes and a handful on interruptions), and now the sun has set, the bugs are gathering around the lights on the balcony (there’s been a recent hatch of some kind of non-biting but annoying little somethings), and it’s time to think about some dinner. I’ll bring this to a close, but I’m leaving you all with an assignment, which is to give me an assignment. Write and tell if there’s something you want to know more about. Then the next time I feel like blogging but worry about boring you, I’ll have a list of things I could write about that would interest at least one reader on that end!

Beginning to warm up for the Water Festival next weekend - boat races and all kinds of fun to look forward to!