Usually I wait for the right mood to strike me to write a blog entry. If I'm not in a "writing mood," it just feels like a huge chore and nothing productive comes of it. And if I'm not in an upbeat mood, then I feel like I write things that sound too morose and I certainly wouldn't want anyone to think I'm not happyhappyhappy all the time!
But I'm not happyhappyhappy all the time. Sometimes I'm irritable. Sometimes I'm cranky. Sometimes I'm downright bitchy and want to tell everyone around me to fuck off almost every time they open their mouths. Sometimes I'm sad, or a bit lonely for my friends or my family back home, and sometimes I even cry over stupid little shit.
For those who are looking for a light-hearted glimpse into the exciting life of an ex-pat living in a foreign country, fuck off. (Just kidding.) Well, partly just kidding. I'm in one of those moods right now. And it's in some kind of rapidly-cycling roller coaster with the tears. We could blame it on hormones - though I'll spare you all the details of my peri-menopausal symptoms - but whatever we want to blame it on, here it is. And since I got a fair amount of feedback that even more serious topics are welcome here, off we go.
Nine Things That Piss Me Off This Week:
1. You know that little trick I mentioned about putting an ice cube in your ashtray to keep the ashes from blowing all over? Well, it's a giant pain in the ass because I forget that it's there and I put my cigarette down and the end gets all wet and soggy and there's nothing more disgusting than wet cigarette butts and ashes. Not to mention that I've wasted a cigarette. Luckily, they're only 30 cents a pack. Too bad I'm a smoker; maybe this is the universe's way of telling me to quit. Certainly Steve's way of telling me to quit isn't working. He says, "I hate that you smoke!" which makes me want to say, "Fuck off!" And then I light another one.
2. And while we're on the subject of things I just mentioned in a blog entry, that whole "don't get offended when people call you fat" thing is wearing pretty thin, so to speak. Last evening, I ran into a Khmer friend who I hadn't seen in a couple of months. He's a nice guy, and pretty savvy because he works with foreigners a lot. He greeted me with a big smile, and said, "Hi! Wow - fat! You're so fat now." Then he looked over at Steve and pointed out to him, "She's so fat!" I was not amused. Guess what I wanted to say back to him? You guessed it: "Fuck off!" Instead, I hit him. On the arm. In that friendly Khmer way people do here. But maybe a little harder than that. And I can't let it go, because all day today my mind keeps wandering back to that moment and I've been writing scripts in my head about what I'd like to say the next time I see him. "Hi! Wow - so thin! You look like an HIV man!" Because that is what people here worry about when they're very thin - that other people will think they have HIV.
3. Have I mentioned it's fucking hot? I knew that it would be, of course, and usually it doesn't bother me so much, but the last couple of weeks have been brutal. Hotter than usual, as others here agree, but even less tolerable for me than it seems to be for everyone else. I sweat under my eyes and above my lip, and I can't even enjoy being in the hammock unless there's a really stiff breeze - which usually just feels like a really hot blast furnace.
4. Corruption. There's a ton of it. Not that we don't have our own forms of institutionalized and government-sanctioned corruption in the US, but at least in the US the kids don't have to pay the teachers to make sure they pass their tests. And violence - again, not that we don't have plenty of it at home, but my job here reminds me every day about the victimization of young girls in particular, and how some families' response to their daughter's rape is to accept payment from the rapist's family in order to drop the charges, or to arrange for their daughter to marry the rapist now that she's "damaged goods" and no one else will want her. (There's a lot more to say about that, and I have a half-written post in the works on that topic.)
5. Our landlord is pissing me off. We rent the upper half of a lovely house, and the landlord and his family live downstairs. One of the advantages of this arrangement would seem to be that if we have a problem, the landlord is easily available to attend to it. But apparently he's far too busy, and if he ever gets around to arranging a repair of some kind, we're supposed to pay for it anyway, so it's easier to just tackle it ourselves from the start. And also, the fact that they take great care of the plants in their yard would suggest that they take pride in their home, but why is the yard still strewn with garbage sometimes? I swear, there was a broken computer keyboard lying next to the driveway for months, not to mention the cellophane noodle wrappers and other detritus that just blows around the yard. WTF?
6. My fucking computer. The one that keeps breaking and not getting fixed properly. The one I bought here when we were robbed and all our electronics were stolen, so I had to pay more than I would have had to pay at home for what appears to be a piece of shit. It says it’s an Acer, which we’ve always had good luck with in the past, but either I got a lemon or Acer sends all their shit computers to Cambodia. This is compounded by the fact that the repair shop is so difficult to work with (see previous post on that topic) and the new symptom it develops every week. My keyboard is “fixed” now, though the squeaking sound it makes whenever I press any keys in the middle suggests that it won’t last. Also, it likes to randomly shut down with no warning. And this week, its modem seems to be failing because after an hour or so, it loses its connection to the internet and then claims there are no wifi connections to be found – despite the fact that everyone else in the house is still connected. The solution is to restart, which wouldn’t be so difficult if that didn’t take 8-10 minutes, probably because of all the extra software that the repair shop likes to install every time they “fix” the damn thing. (They probably installed some keystroke logger and are reading this right now and getting ready to report me for criticizing the government.) (Nah, on second thought, anyone who thinks you can fix a keyboard by changing the font probably isn’t clever enough to do that.)
7. Smells. Especially when the landlord is cooking fish just off our balcony and the neighbors are burning garbage (at least they get rid of it somehow) and the hotel down the street is spraying clouds of DDT or something to control mosquitoes.
8. Ants. This is apparently Ant Season. The ants we have are tiny little things – really really tiny – but what they lack in size they make up for in number, and they have some magical way of getting into “airtight” containers. They’re just as likely to be found in the bathroom or the bedroom as in the kitchen, so they’re not always looking for what we would think of as food, but they march in miniature battalions all over the walls. And sometimes you’re sitting somewhere, innocently minding your own business and swearing at your laptop (or your landlord, or your friends), and you feel a minor tickle on your ankle or your hand or your neck, and then you realize there are ants crawling on you. At least these ants don’t bite, and you can’t really taste them if they get into your food. But there are also biting ants, and an occasional bite from one of those will hurt for days and take weeks to heal. Fuck off, ants.
9. Myself. Mostly I am just pissed off at myself, for feeling like this. For being annoyed and pissed off at the things I can usually laugh at or ignore. For having lost touch with the sense of fun and amusement at the quirks and charms of this place that I love. For smoking cigarettes and getting fat. For writing in incomplete sentences. For being such a pain in the ass to live with that Steve has to steer clear of me whenever possible, which then gives me another reason to be pissed at him. I wouldn’t want to live me right now.
So I’ll either post this before I lose my nerve and then suffer the angst of having exposed my negative self, or I won’t post it and then I’ll suffer the shame of being unwilling to share my darkest moments.
On another (but related) note, this is one of those times when I think about who might read this drivel. This blog started years ago as a place to write about our travels, and then evolved into a place to write about our new life in Cambodia. The original audience was people back home who were interested in what we were up to. Now there are readers who I don’t know at all (because I allow access to anyone who stumbles upon it) but also includes people who I know here. I worry less about exposing myself to friends and family at home – and I don’t care so much about strangers – but knowing that people who I see here on a regular basis may read it makes me feel far more vulnerable. We all attempt to present ourselves in one way or another, and this post admits that I’m not always who I would like to be. So for any local friends reading this: no looks of pity please! It will provoke either a “fuck off” or tears, and we don’t want that.
Now please excuse me for a moment while I restart my fucking computer and use the time that takes to consider whether or not to post this...
(And damn, I forgot to mention about how much the tourists bug me, with their culturally inappropriate dress, their belief that they can save the world by volunteering for a day hugging some orphans, and their obnoxious habit of walking in the middle of the street as though it's a pedestrian zone.)
18 comments:
For the last two weeks I've been writing an EU grant proposal to get money for the koh ker project which would mean 9 months of stay in SR in 2012/2013. No weekend, no going out, just writing. It is a tiring job, so my attention drifts away sometimes...now to your blog! I was day dreaming of mango shakes and chimicangas but then kept on reading :) Yeah, i remember those moods, the same frustrating, irritating things I felt last year. I don't miss them, but I do miss you, Steve and Jaz, and Siem Reap. The only thing that helped us with Eszter at the time was to GET OUT of there, even for a few days, on a regular basis.
I'm with you now, on your balcony, smoking cigi, chewing on pasta that Steve prepared, drinking khmer 31 whiskey and having good laughs.
Wish you a wonderful day with an inner smile of knowing how great people and parents you and Steve are, and that you have the freedom and openess to take in the world.
If it helps at all, these same frustrations ( or very similar ones ) happen back home here too. I feel your burn.
I get it. Just from spending the four months in Italy, a land of fairly modern conveniences, I get it.
Jess, I love this post and I am glad you had the nerve to share it. Turns out you write well when you include curse words as well! As for the fat thing I totally feel your pain. I may not be surrounded by Cambodians but I do have young children, seems like the same thing in this instance.
Robin
I hear you. I've had a few people contact me after reading my blog because they were moving to Cambodia and wanted to meet up. That was a lot of expectation and panicking over whether I'm the same person on + offline.
So, no pity. no judgement. no nothing. Just a fellow expat going through much of the same highs and lows. It certainly isn't all rainbows + sunshine, but then again it wasn't back home either. So why do people expect it to be laugh-a-minute, 100% fun + awesome?
xo, Leigh
Andras! Come back! Chimichangas just don't taste the same without you! But screw mango shakes - don't you mean mango maragritas???
Thanks for your input. I will be desperately hoping that your proposal is approved, and then I will count the days until you and Eszter return to Siem Reap.
In the meantime, be well and know that we miss you A LOT!
J - I know you're right. It's not like I never had days like that at home. But thanks for reminding me - it actually helps to see it in print.
Janice - So, from the perspective of someone who has lived elsewhere and returned home, what are your thoughts? And are you still planining to return to Italy? What different perspective will you bring the second time around?
Robin - Thank you for your comment. Sometimes I think I write better when I just let the four-letter words fly and stop worrying about what anyone will think about what i've written, but I rarely have that kind of nerve. I appreciate your words of encouragement.
Leigh - You say it well. Thanks. While I know I'm not alone in this, it always helps to hear it.
And the other interesting thing was how therapeutic it was writing and then posting. I felt measurably better just having written it, and even better when I threw caution to the wind and hit the "publish" button.
Jess, Ok I do steer clear of you at times, for self preservation, and because I can be a pain and you don't tolerate me so nicely when your mood is as you've described. But you are still for the most part fun and pleasurable to be around.
Andras,Eszter, It would be wonderful if you guys returned. Maybe Jess needs a trip to Hungary!?
Wherever you go, there you are. Yes? Now, let's hurry up and go flying before we both exceed the weight limit~! Love you.
Doesn't it feel good to get it off you chest? Take a deep breath and like Lori says "wherever you go, there you are".
Jess
Sometimes when I read your blogs, I am impressed by how much time you have spent giving the gift to your readers of your view of Cambodia. You have shared your stuff, gone to the trouble to take the pictures and the write the nice stories that often accompany them. For me often enough there is little to comment on; I have been interestingly informed; I suppose this is where “thumbs up” or “like” clicks come in. I often feel the only appropriate response from me would be to respond in kind with a tour around Hilo as I go through my days. So here are a few things.
Since Betsy passed I have been more friendly with Merlin, our 8-year-old cat. Sometimes we sleep together and I marvel that this little creature and I have a relatively close relationship. Most times he finds other places to sleep. A favorite the last few days has been a round wooden fruit bowl on our kitchen counter that just perfectly fits his body size. When I come in the kitchen in the morning I give him some pats and we have a quiet little conversation. He purrs and I talk. I have been trying to learn cat language. It is difficult. I know that when I am in the back of the house in my computer room and he stays in the front by the door, and meows, he is saying he wants to go out. I just had to laugh out loud the other morning when he came in and then went to the narrow door where his bulk food is kept and just stayed there pointed toward the door. I looked at his plate and sure enough, there was very little food on his food dish. This was the first time he had done this. Amazing. He is a nice little guy. I say “Hey Big Guy, how ya doing.”
I have been spending a lot of time in the past week on my 93-year-old friend Ruth’s autobiography. I formatted it, all and have been going through her photographs and getting her to write captions. I had tried to help her attract a real publisher that would bear the cost of printing a bunch of books, but we have not been successful, so now we are looking at how much various companies would charge to print some books. More on that another time. Reading Ruth’s chapters as I have edited and formatted them has been a real education in how this American Japanese woman was raised and went through life. I have had an interesting introduction to the Japanese culture. This is one of the things I like about doing graphic design, in that I get to learn things as I work.
I am dealing with getting heavier myself. I am up to my greatest weight, 230 lbs. I should be 190. I don’t like it when I look at myself in the mirror, and my pants are so tight they are uncomfortable. Fortunately there is nobody calling me fat. And when Betsy was here, she wouldn't have. I keep waiting for that inspirational moment when I will start on my next weight loss effort. A year ago I was down to 198. That was good. But slowly I climbed back. . .: twice I have done this. Food is an addiction! My blood sugar numbers are up. Partly I have been indulging myself with Betsy gone; I have been eating out more, and eating more sweets.
Today we had one of our twice monthly diabetes support group meetings. We were cut back form weekly meeting because of Bay Clinic budget problems. Today was fun because Stacy, a dietitian who runs it wanted to brainstorm our presentation at a Mayor’s Health Fair. She started with the idea that food is communication, and we spent 45 minutes on that until we finally came out with the theme idea: Healthy Portions! Served with Love. Sounds trite to put it this way but the use of the word love gives it an intimacy, that it deserves when it comes to dealing with an illness, of you own or someone in your family has it. It is so clear that we are what we eat. We are working on a cook book and the main title was going to be PORTIONS! That is our problem, Jess. It is mine for sure. And after writing this, what did I do, walked down the hall into the kitchen and dished myself out some ice cream! It is like I cannot control myself. . . .
Tom
Jess, thanks for sharing these personal feelings. I had and still have mixed feelings about Cambodia and yours help deal with them. I also would like to return to Cambodia sometime in the future and your blog is my primary connection.
I'm sure you'll get over the bad times.
I hope you can manage it and we can see each other.
Tom wins for the longest blog comment ever! :)
Peter, there'd will be a beer waiting for you when you return. We can toast to our ambivalence.
Bravo, Jess. Lord knows I feel a lot of the same frustrations on a daily basis, getting so upset about what used to be a minor inconvenience, and feeling like I am working against a system that isn't really a system at all. I also get down on myself when I get in these moods - trust me, you are not the only one.
I'd like to thing that I'm learning through this whole process, becoming a stronger person, and not turning into a bitter one. If I have anything to say about it, that won't happen...
As many other people already wrote, we're all with you in the same boat :)
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